Going to see the kidney doctor today for my post-tumor 6 month follow up (well, more like 8 -9 month follow up due to me cancelling my appointment in October and not being able to get back in till now).
I know that things are fine post ablation (cancer wise). My CT scan in October showed no signs of recurrence. But it did show stones (7 mm being the largest) and the radiologist is worried about scar tissue from the procedure.
I also have this little worry in the back of my head that I my kidney function has declined the last few times I have had blood work done .... not enough to really be worried ... but enough for me to be worried. Enough for the radiologists to lessen the amount of CT contrast they give me.
Then there is the worry that I will go in to the office today and I will have to beg for pain medicine. Because even though the guy is really good at finding cancerous tumors he is really bad at patient relationships and is afraid that giving someone with known kidney stones a few Percosets so that they don't have to go to the ER every time they pass one is aiding a dangerous drug addiction that will cause him to lose his medical license. (hello, run on sentence).
It is demeaning and unnecessary and the reason I cancelled my appointment in October. I literally could not stand the thought of going through the motions of this again with him. So I left work like I was going to go to the appointment and instead drove right past the doctors office and went home and got in the bed and napped instead.
My anxiety is at an all time high. I worry about going anywhere because I am afraid I will have a kidney stone attack. I am afraid that the sky is going to fall. I am afraid.
Pain is traumatic. Cancer is traumatic. This year has been traumatic. I am ready to not be afraid.
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