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So I saw the kidney guy yesterday. My blood pressure was like a gazillion over a gazillion and even though I told the nurse that my blood pressure is always high when I come to the kidney doctor, and I think it is a mix of nerves and them taking my blood pressure with a tiny ass cuff around my wrist - she didn't try to take it again on my upper arm. I mean, I know I am big, but they do make cuffs for big people.
The nurse asked if I needed refills and I said yes, I did need refills for my Enablex and for Percoset. The kidney guy gave me 20 Percoset in March (right before I had my cancerous tumor burnt out of my kidney).
Finally the kidney guy comes in and he asks how I am feeling. I tell him that I am feeling several different kind of ways. That I have pretty fairly recurrent pain on my left flank, that my bladder symptoms are really aggravated by stress, and that I have had a lot of stress lately.
Blinking back tears (because that is apparently what I do when I see the kidney guy), I told him that I have had 3 different jobs this year. That the day he told me I had probably-cancer, I went to my place of employment and was informed I would need to reapply for my job with another employer. I had definitely-cancer and that sucked and that the stress made my bladder symptoms worse.
And before I could stop myself the words "and my german shepherd died in the back seat of my car in the middle of the night on the way to the emergency vet"came spewing from my mouth.
And he said "you're starting to sound like a country song, Amy".
Which, I maybe was, but fuck him for saying that. That has been my life in 2014.
So the good news is I didn't punch him in the face, and I don't have any cancer growing in my kidneys.
Bad news is that I have 6 small stones in my left kidney and 1 large stone in my right. And the medicine that I could benefit from taking to prevent stones may cause more irritation to my bladder. And so why don't you do another 24 hour urine collection, because you haven't done one for two years.
I'll save my Doctor Shopping story for next time.
Going to see the kidney doctor today for my post-tumor 6 month follow up (well, more like 8 -9 month follow up due to me cancelling my appointment in October and not being able to get back in till now).
I know that things are fine post ablation (cancer wise). My CT scan in October showed no signs of recurrence. But it did show stones (7 mm being the largest) and the radiologist is worried about scar tissue from the procedure.
I also have this little worry in the back of my head that I my kidney function has declined the last few times I have had blood work done .... not enough to really be worried ... but enough for me to be worried. Enough for the radiologists to lessen the amount of CT contrast they give me.
Then there is the worry that I will go in to the office today and I will have to beg for pain medicine. Because even though the guy is really good at finding cancerous tumors he is really bad at patient relationships and is afraid that giving someone with known kidney stones a few Percosets so that they don't have to go to the ER every time they pass one is aiding a dangerous drug addiction that will cause him to lose his medical license. (hello, run on sentence).
It is demeaning and unnecessary and the reason I cancelled my appointment in October. I literally could not stand the thought of going through the motions of this again with him. So I left work like I was going to go to the appointment and instead drove right past the doctors office and went home and got in the bed and napped instead.
My anxiety is at an all time high. I worry about going anywhere because I am afraid I will have a kidney stone attack. I am afraid that the sky is going to fall. I am afraid.
Pain is traumatic. Cancer is traumatic. This year has been traumatic. I am ready to not be afraid.
