what is a survivor?

So it has been 7 months since I had a cancerous tumor incinerated in my left kidney.  I knew 6 months prior to that there was something there that wasn't supposed to be there.  And for the most part, I have been fine.  I had a 3 month follow up MRI in late July and everything looked great.

Then in late August I was laying in bed with the husband and the brown dog and it hurt.  It hurt me to lay on my left side (my favorite sleeping side).  When I rolled over onto my back, it stopped hurting. So I thought, I am sure something is just healing and it will go away.  So I waited.  And it wasn't hurting except for when I was in bed on my side.

I called my doctor and left a message.  He called me back that night and said it most likely was scar tissue forming, and that when I laid in that position, it put directional pressure on it.  Or it could be that the ureter was damaged during the RFA and I had hydronephrosis which is kind of serious.  He suggested I get a CT scan.

I know I have an appointment with the urologist in November and have an ultrasound already scheduled to have done before I see him, so I ask if it is ok if I wait.  CT scans are expensive and expose your body to a very large amount of radiation.  He says okay, but call me if it gets worse.

Then I notice that when I get in my car, the pressure of the seat back (it kind of juts out to cradle your back) hurts my side.  And then I notice that when I lay on my Right side, my left side hurts.  Gravity is being a bitch.  And then I think.  I think lots of thoughts and many not so good.  I call the doctor and leave a message.  The next day his nurse calls and says we will set up a CT scan for you.

So Friday evening, in two days, I will be having a CT scan with contrast (boo!) at Riverside.  Probably won't get results until Monday.

In other news, I have been pondering making a purchase from Stand Up to Cancer.  They are a good organization that actually uses donations for research.  They have shirts that say "Survivor" on them and I have had my eye on one.

But I couldn't bring myself to buy it because I felt like I would be an attention whore if I did.  Like I was bragging that I had cancer.  I posted my thoughts in a group of Renal Cell Carcinoma patients to get their opinion.  One persons reply really stuck a chord with me:

"2 weeks ago my father was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer. His cancer is more advanced than mine, he's doing chemo, I had my kidney removed. Our cancer is different BUT still cancer. We still know what it's like to hear the diagnoses, tell your loved ones and fear death. What I've learned is more than anything he wants a survivor shirt too. So wear your shirt proudly for all of the people haven't beat it...At least not yet."

A dose of perspective that was badly needed.  So I ordered the shirt, and I am going to wear it and answer people's questions.  I am going to tell them that young people DO get cancer, and most renal cell cancer patients do not know they have cancer until it has taken over the kidney and spread to their lymph nodes and their lungs.

I am going to tell them that they need to be smart about where they donate their money to.  That just because a product has a pink ribbon on it, it doesn't at all mean the money will be spent for research, prevention, or treatment.

And I will work on my internal thoughts on mortality and sickness.  Of enjoying life because it is pretty cool for the most part.  I will wear my shirt and be an advocate and get over myself.