Everything's just wonderful

Going to see the kidney doctor today for my post-tumor 6 month follow up (well, more like 8 -9 month follow up due to me cancelling my appointment in October and not being able to get back in till now).  

I know that things are fine post ablation (cancer wise).  My CT scan in October showed no signs of recurrence.  But it did show stones (7 mm being the largest) and the radiologist is worried about scar tissue from the procedure.  

I also have this little worry in the back of my head that I my kidney function has declined the last few times I have had blood work done .... not enough to really be worried ... but enough for me to be worried.  Enough for the radiologists to lessen the amount of CT contrast they give me. 

Then there is the worry that I will go in to the office today and I will have to beg for pain medicine.  Because even though the guy is really good at finding cancerous tumors he is really bad at patient relationships and is afraid that giving someone with known kidney stones a few Percosets so that they don't have to go to the ER every time they pass one is aiding a dangerous drug addiction that will cause him to lose his medical license. (hello, run on sentence).  

It is demeaning and unnecessary and the reason I cancelled my appointment in October.  I literally could not stand the thought of going through the motions of this again with him.  So I left work like I was going to go to the appointment and instead drove right past the doctors office and went home and got in the bed and napped instead.  

My anxiety is at an all time high.  I worry about going anywhere because I am afraid I will have a kidney stone attack.  I am afraid that the sky is going to fall.  I am afraid.  

Pain is traumatic.  Cancer is traumatic.  This year has been traumatic.  I am ready to not be afraid.

We will be victorious

There are two things that you should know ...

1. The people who live around us really enjoy setting off fireworks. And not just on holidays. Any period of darkness will suffice. I believe this to be a phenomenon of living close to Pickaway County.

2. I have a German Shepherd who teeters on the edge of needing medication for anxiety.

Thunderstorms, loud vehicles, the voice from the ice cream truck, all are suspects in Lola's world of Somethingisgoingtogetme.

So imagine my delight when I took the dogs outside this evening, only to realize that it was lightning AND someone felt the need to celebrate with firecrackers.

Lola, being the reasonable being that she is, did a quick survey of the scene and fled to the step leading to the back door.

I, being the calm and assertive pack leader that I am, sat down on the patio and told her to go potty.

After repeating the command 43 times, Lola takes one step off the patio and does what I've asked her to do. She was so close to the patio, she might as well have peed on the concrete.

But, she did go and that is a big change from years before in which there would be outright refusal and end up with me pulling her on a leash in the back yard because she hasn't gone potty in 72 hours.

A small victory, yes?

Her name was Lola, she was a show dog

From the AKC German Shepherd Dog breed standard:

The breed has a distinct personality marked by direct and fearless, but not hostile, expression, self-confidence and a certain aloofness that does not lend itself to immediate and indiscriminate friendships. The dog must be approachable, quietly standing its ground and showing confidence and willingness to meet overtures without itself making them. It is poised, but when the occasion demands, eager and alert; both fit and willing to serve in its capacity as companion, watchdog, blind leader, herding dog, or guardian, whichever the circumstances may demand. The dog must not be timid, shrinking behind its master or handler; it should not be nervous, looking about or upward with anxious expression or showing nervous reactions, such as tucking of tail, to strange sounds or sights.

From my backyard, 30 minutes ago:

Random Car Alarm goes off
German Shepherd runs to the back porch and sets on the step closest to the door.
Followed by a very low, very quiet growl.

Yours Truly, Angry Mob

Long week.

Got bit by my moms basset hound.

Again.

Went to the urgent care and got a tetnus shot and a 10 day supply of antibiotics. Now on day 5 and it has turned into a nasty oozing mess. Not excited about that. It is really hard to keep a wound clean when it is on your dominant hand.

When you work around small children.

Children who have very little respect for personal space or washing their hands after they sneeze.

Fail.

I became an aunt x3 on Sunday. Breydon Joseph.



He is not feeling well and is in the hospital still. But they are taking care of him and hopefully he will be well enough to go home.

My grandpa is also in the hospital, he is having some troubles and I really wish that the hospital he was in wasn't made of fail.

I am tired and feeling antibiotic-icky. I want it to stop raining and start being sunshiny.

And I am hoping that things in general get better.

The Beginning of The End

If you hadn't noticed by now, the economy is kind of in the crapper.

Until recently my small family had remained unscathed.

Rich people were still flying. Regular people were still having kids and needing child care for them.

I had a job that I really enjoyed.

J had a job with a respected company that provided great benefits for their employees.

The trip down the crapper began a few weeks ago when a bunch of folks at J's job were told their services were not needed. No longer could the company operate they way they were and survive. So folks got a few minutes to gather their belongings and turn in their badges to security and hit the road.

For the time being, J still has a position and hopefully that remains the case.

The very same day that people were turning in their badges, I was packing up my office. Not because I was told my services were no longer needed. But so that the new office furniture could be put in and the new paint color could be put up.

My bosses boss had requested that we pick out the color (crocodile tears). It was nice to be moving up in the world. Little did I know that the very next week, the new finance lady would be moving into my office and I would be moving back into a classroom, apparently being relieved of my administrative duties.

Enrollment was down, there were too many teachers. As bummed out as I was, I was thankful to still have a job - in some capacity.

So I spent last week with the knowledge that me moving into a classroom would ultimately be the catalyst for someone else losing their job. Hours got slashed in half for a few staff members. Lunch breaks became unpaid.

Today we had a very informative staff meeting in which my bosses boss told us that because our center was affiliated with a church, we needed to run with integrity. And that included taking breaks that complied with Federal Regulations. Lest the FEDERAL DEPARTMENT OF LABOR come in and audit us.

If you are a reader of my lamesauce blog, you will recall that shit hasn't worked in months. Phones, fire panel, air conditioning, computers. In my somewhat simple mind, fixing those things would be a more pressing matter than fixing the unpaid breaks.

Apparently, however, the FEDERAL DEPARTMENT OF LABOR is more concerned that full time employees clock out for their breaks than for the building in which they work to be safe.

So, the writing has been on the wall (or left on the copy machine for inquiring minds to read) for a while. That which does not bring profit will not continue. Even if it is a "ministry". Even if you tell your employees that you care about them.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if you work in a child care center with less than 20 employees or if you work at a company that is run by the richest man in the world.

If you believe for a second that the people you are employed by care about you or your family; odds are you are wrong. Business people are business people for a reason, even if they are the leader of a church.

Lamesauce

I haven't written in 3 months. The summer got away from me. It was not what I expected it to be. Things seldom are, right?

As of late, I have been saturated with negativity. I am doing my best to prevent taking so much of that on. It is difficult for me, because I already tend to be on the cynical side.

It takes VERY little for me to be a crabby, sarcastic, glass-half-empty witch.

But I want to remind you people out there, if there are any of you actually reading this: niceness matters.

Small acts of kindness matter.

Rushing to judgment is not ok. Projecting your lack of life enjoyment on others is not ok.

My list of "ok" things:
-Loving your dogs, to the point where they eat better than you and you are reluctant to clean the inside of the windows in your car, because their nose art is pretty rad.
-Loving music, listening to it at your desk, in the car, while you are in the shower.
-Watching a reality tv show. And looking forward to the nights it comes on.
-Salt and Vinegar Kettle Chips.


I am trying real hard to add to that list. I really wish others would follow my lead on that.

Smoke on the water, fire in the sky

I have never experienced such fail as the fail that I have experienced this week.

Fail in all aspects and areas of my life.

The weekend could never possibly be long enough.